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The girl who believes that Santa exists

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friends only [Feb. 2nd, 2021|09:44 pm]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
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[Current Mood |awakeawake]


some posts in my lj are friends only
just leave me a comment and you'll be welcoming :)
I love to meet new people! 

big thanks to cicci1000  and jas_mien  for their help

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HELP! [Feb. 9th, 2020|09:35 pm]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
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[Current Mood |cheerfulcheerful]




just click on the buttons and you can help! it's free

thanks too cicci1000 and emeraldbixby 
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lost soul 6 [Aug. 5th, 2009|09:06 am]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
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[Current Mood |angryangry]
[Current Music |placebo - ion]

Wanting... when we were kind the wanting was killing us, we were so excited about Christmas, birthdays, so excited about the first day, first kiss, first sex, first day at work, school, first day of freedom without parents. But without parents you there are no borders, you are the one who builds them, you are the one who says this is bad and this is good. You need to take the responsibility you need to create your own kingdom full of responsibilities like money, cooking and full of freedom like you can go to sleep whenever you want and watch whatever you want.
People say you become seriously addicted after 3 months of using drugs but I have to say, I know people who take drugs for ages and they are still not addicted but me ..... I fell in love with cocaine pretty fast.
It was the love for the first sign. I gave her my soul she gave me my freedom, my happiness in the shitty world. we were partners in crime, me and her, me and him. Call it whatever you want, I decide to call her "She" because she is so dangerous like women are.
The other story but very similar is Jimmy. Jimmy was someone who wasn't the best person to fall in love. He used his victims to have a little fan with them and then he kicked them off, but sure I didn't know it back than.
Of course it was also my mistake that I let him use me but I'm kind of happy I didn't end up like him.
From times to times I felt like a sexual machine for Charlotte and Jimmy. I always thought Charlotte is a good shy little bit crazy person. But I was sure that having a child in 16 and take drugs wasn't the right thing for a shy girl. Charlotte became more and more like her brother. I wasn't and I'm not the strongest person in this planet and it is easy to use junkie. When I took my meds I could do anything. Sex wasn't a joy when it was the sex with someone who you don't want to fuck. I can't say it wasn't a pleasure, sometimes it was, for example screwing big bro Jimmy on the back seat of the car. When he was moaning like a dog. That was amazing, I felt good, like a king. Like it was me who has a power over him.
Stupid little Jimmy and how he ended up. That's a funny story.
But I don't want to be an evil person.
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it's short and bad but you can't write something good when it''s 9 am :D.
so I still have no idea where I'm going with this story but you will see
I'm leaving tomorrow to see my beautiful, brilliant friend Plasticine so ADIOS
have a good week, weekend and remember me
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Brian Molko tritube [Jul. 25th, 2009|12:38 am]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
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My first Brian Molko tribute :)
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Lost soul 5 [Jul. 24th, 2009|10:43 am]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
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And then I understood why morning are so bad. Hangovers are killers, really, after taking my first bit of coke I felt like a big box full of energy. I was able to stay awake the whole night but the morning? I wanted to die, die fast and without harm. I was looking for some advice by an older man but where he was? Jimmy was sleeping, and it wasn't a good idea to wake him up. Believe I did it once and then I was pretty bruised, he is quite strong for someone who fucks boys. That's funny how people talk about homosexuals like they are weak kind of "men" like they are just "not pretty girls". Actually there are plenty of men who are homosexuals and you don't see it because they are stupidly manly but in the other hand, they take care of themselves and believe me, some of them have very good skin.
And then someone saved me from my morning boredom. Jasper started to cry and it woke up Charlotte. I can't say she wasn't annoyed but she is a mother, it's her work to take care after her son, right? I waited until I heard that Jimmy woke up and went to ask him what to do, I have to admit I felt kind of stupid because of my childish asking about everything but he is kind of my brother since I'm written as the father of Jasper he is my .... brother in low? cool, oh wait we are not married so he is my "long lost brother" let's call him like that. long lost brother sounds pretty cool. so my cool long lost brother told me to make a coffee and of course for him too, I'm not sure if he told me it just because he wanted coffee and was lazy to do it himself or because it does really help. So I made a coffee, strong as hell and it did help! for a while at least.
When the day was closer to the night it became to be worse and worse. I was freezing, hungry but wasn't able to eat, asleep but wasn't able to sleep. I was a mess.
And then there was a light, I pleased not asked, I desired not just wanted for my sweet prince.
The beauty of it was blinding me, white queen, the snow now I know why they call it like that.
I didn't work this day so I was able to enjoy the full of energy of it. The sound of music was brighter than ever, the light were lighter, I felt alive! alive and free, I could breathe.
I wanted to fuck the whole world, I wanted to tell them how good I'm I wanted to show them that I'm not just a broken teenager.
I found the most beautiful boy in the crowd and made him feel like a king of the world. I was his prisoner and I didn't compare and then the vision changed by the another dark morning.
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thanks Plasticine, you are the only one who reads :)
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Lost soul 4 [Jul. 21st, 2009|09:22 am]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
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After listening to the family stories, all birthday parties, I got to know that Charlotte and Jimmy are more close to me that I could even imagine. The loneliness, the differences all this we have in common. Even if they are very different physically Charlotte and Jimmy have a connections which me and Chuck don't have.
I felt strange in my new room, white walls just like in the hospital, the hard bed, no pictures that's how you imagine a jail, that's how you imagine a misery. Young people without money, young lost souls, les miserables. But i should stop with my melancholy talking.
When I woke up the next day I was surprised by the sun. Jimmy made a breakfast with a grin "I don't usually cook but I'm the best cook in the world so don't complain about my eggs" and we didn't, his cooking abilities were perfect. But then there were another question which bothered me "what we are gonna do?"
"Jimmy is there any job around?"
"What do you like? Do you like music? "
"yeees"
I was quite scared of his smile, it seemed like something better is coming...
"so you can be a DJ in a ... gay bar"
"what? I ..."
"you are gay right?"
"I'm, I'm bisexual but you really want me to be a DJ?"
"Are you scared?"
And I said no, and then it started, the wild life. The nightmare and the sweet dream. Sober and High, Dark and Light, Hope and Misery.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*--*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
After 7 months in London, my Charlotte gave birth to our Jasper Brian Cornell Stevens, I was written as his father to the birth certificate and he has been always for me as my son.
When Jasper was born it became even more hectic. Jasper wasn't the quietest baby in London and I needed to sleep after the long night. And then it came, I was deprived by non sleeping when Jimmy gave me something white and it looked like snow, like a cure.
"take it" Jimmy said
Jimmy worked as a bartender, DJ and dancer like others, we worked together when somebody was missing I worked instead of them.
"what's it?"
"it helps"
"what's it?"
"it's cocaine my brother, it's cocaine"
" I don't wanna take coce "
"you have to, everybody does here, don't be a baby"
"no"
"do you want to stay alive and work ? take it!"
and I did....
I did the worst mistake in my life.......
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Dedicated to Plasticine
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Lost soul 3 [Jul. 16th, 2009|11:07 pm]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
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[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]

Depressing songs cause depressing mood...
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As young teenagers we were hungry for the independence. We wanted everything now and forever! we were full of energy, full of plans. Not that we are now old and desperate, we are not that old and not that desperate we are just more calmer but about these calm days I will tell you later. Now I will open the darker doors, doors to the times when I don't want to come back.
The journey by bus doesn't take you that long even if you hate buses exactly like me. I spent the whole journey watching from the window, Charlotte was quiet too, I guess you just didn't need any words, We decided to go to Deptford, the hole where Charlotte's friend .. Jimmy has a flat. I have never met this guy but I was sure that someone who lives in Deptford won't be rich or awesome, the east London is very dirty, shitty place and it doesn't help you that this place is located in east south. i was wondering if my parents are reading my note right now. My little good bye for them, my little revolution and then I started to think differently about London, not as a hole but as an escape for two lost souls. Mostly people would kill just to live here, I have visited London million times before and never learned to love it there. Now it's gonna be my home. 2 hours later we were here. The London was welcoming us with his typical weather, rainy and cold. The only thing what we wanted was go and find this stupid Jimmy. We payed the taxi, I had no idea how we were going to live, I took some money, Charlotte took some money but I have never ever worked and she was pregnant we were such a cool couple I was absolutely happy about the Charlotte's surprising sixth sense. When we told the driver where we are going he looked at us with the disgusting look. But his job is his job. I was hiding a little smile for him. Actually the silence between me and Charlotte started to be very uncomfortable. When we finally got home i was little bit shocked about the small dirty smelly flat but tried not to be whiney. The Jimmy guy wasn't the person who would you introduce to your parents as your best friend. Pierced guy with short hair and tattoos but still there was something girly in him, his baby face, small soft lips. He represented the typical south Londoner who you don't want to meet. Still there is something romantic about this place I kind of like it and Jimmy? How can you not like someone that different than others. I think I will love it here.
Charlotte didn't seem to be very pleased that she had to stay here but didn't say anything which made things worse. I was getting bored and the depression was going to catch me so I decided it's a time to get to know our Jimmy better. Charlotte was exhausted she went to take a bath so we were alone......

"So I hope you don't mind we are here" I started didn't want to push him into the conversation
"No it's ok, Charlotte is my sister so I think I should help my sister and with you here it will be easier" he said, slightly annoyed.
I didn't want to ask him to make him more annoyed but I was just curious and his arrogance made me even more curious ...
"you are siblings? .."
"Like I said, my family just doesn't want to have something in common with me"
"Oh I can see"
and we shared short bittersweet laugh

This is just gonna be good, too good...............
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thanks for reading and sorry for messing up with times :)
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Lost Soul 2 (wow I even named it? cool :D) [Jul. 14th, 2009|11:17 pm]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |awakeawake]

My thoughtful mood causes me headache. I should stop or maybe I shouldn't. I'm quite happy I have my own motorcycle. My phone is ringing, oh gosh I don't have a mood for some asshole. So I'm letting it be, my karma is getting worse, oh can it be even worse than it is right now? Brian, came to my place. Charlotte. Brian, yes I forgot to introduce myself. With the name Brian you just have to be a queer with the surname Stevens you have to be a jerk. Blame Americans, blame my father for the surname, blame my mother for the name. How can somebody spend 20 minutes by thinking about their name? Maybe the headache is guilty. Back to Charlotte, my ex girlfriend, I like her, really even if we don't date anymore she is my very good friend. She understands me and we have very much in common. Music, movies, behavior. We have knows each other from the early age. Her father works with mine and we have spent many boring nights together. She was my first one, I can't deny it. I was 15 when I lost my virginity and I'm quite ashamed. I'm a weird person, that's what life did to me. Or maybe I was just born as a big weirdness. Charlotte is kind of slutty. That's why we get along, right? So I took my motorcycle, Bonnie or Bonita, I named it like that because it's really my favorite name. It means great and it shows my big love for my motorcycle. When I came to out favorite place, our childhood place, she was there but it wasn't Charlotte like I used to know. Her make up was ruined, her eyes swallowed. This wasn't my Charlotte, my Charlotte doesn't cry, my Charlotte is a party bitch, cocky and bitchy but not that weak and broken. I set next to her, hugged her and let her tears fell down. We stayed like this for a few hours and then she told me she is pregnant. Wow was the only things I could tell. her parents kicked her out. What can you with the girl who's eyes are that pretty that you can look for hours into them? I don't like to say it but I love her, even if I know I won't tell her it I love her. Stop with sweet words, let's make it out. Brian let's get away, let's run far away from this hell. She didn't have to say it twice. I was more than happy to hear it. Just let me peck my things. I didn't care what we are gonna do, where we are gonna live or for what we are gonna live. We can find a work, we can run away, live free on our own. We were young and we had plans, we were young, we were full of energy, full of dreams, hopes. We weren't scared of anything and I can't regret it now. But back to the past, dark youth full of dreams. I decided to left school, to be a homeless to be a helper to be father to a baby who wasn't mine. How sweet and naive I was! Who wants to change the nappies, surely not the real father of the Charlotte's baby. So after very short planning where are we going we decided to left Birmingham and went to try our luck in London. I have no idea why Charlotte wanted to live in London maybe because London is a cool place? Oh yees, dangerous new city! something for me! full of strange people, new things we can try. so now even I was excited about London. Leaving school wasn't that hard, well I didn't even leave the school. I packed my school, took my guitar and left a cute note with little goodbye in the end. Who will miss me? Adios my old life! let's party begin!

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sooo did I write it good or you expected something more?
sorry for all my mistakes and thanks for reading!
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The Lost Soul (slash) [Jul. 13th, 2009|11:57 pm]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
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[Current Mood |calmcalm]

So this is a slash for my super cool friend PLASTICINE
hope you enjoy
leave me a com guys
thanks so much :)
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Another bright new day, new beginning .... for someone not for me. Maybe some people in the other city, state or continent are starting their lives, happy about the new day. Not for me, for the 16 years old boy.... boy? really? who knows? Does it mean that when you have a penis that you are a boy? I had to laugh about it. My brother once saw me with the make up, I told him that it was fun but honestly it wasn't just a fun, I wanted to know how it is to be a girl. Or once I stole the razor and shaved my legs, it took me an hour but my skin was so soft it was hypnotic maybe it was the time when I noticed that I'm different than others. I have always been strange. Too small, too quiet, too pale...... my brother the football player has been always the most popular guy in my school and I have felt like a shadow. My mother the closed introvert person who cares only about herself and her money, her image knows just one thing .... how to be such a bitch around everyone. My father.... well we don't have any problems, maybe that's because he is always on the road..
I sit on my bad and smiled because of the memory of yesterday. Me and Michael , hmm Michael this guy has potential. He sucks as a god. I forgot to say that Michael my new friend is a best friend of my brother, he is football player, I love these stupid boys, they fuck the best. It's so sweet how they pretend that they are strong manly men and then they fuck everything around them girls or boys. So we enjoyed our little moment together. He came to me, his friend told him that I can help him with his little problem, I just smiled, I knew what he meant and his sweetness was just so innocent. He slowly took off his pants, he was shaking because of the desire because he didn't know what to expect, It was so funny drama to me. Little boy, even if he was older than me, bigger and looked better than me he looked at me with respect, with fear. like I was the god. I touched him, just the end of my fingers and he trembled I could feel how he his passion is growing with my every single touch. his breathing became faster and you could hear his heart beating. When I started to move my fingers ups and down his erection made him almost explode I gave him a rest and then kneeled down and started to suck his dick. As slowly as I could and then I started to do it harder and faster his moaning was too load that I had to tell him to shut up. I had to laugh about this memory, how funny some people are, how funny is this world full of pretending? I would like to go to the kitchen and tell my mother that I fucked a guy, I liked to come to my brother's and said that his best friend is a gay, I would like to be that honest and tell my girlfriend that I cheated on her. But I can't, I have to live in lies which kill me. How can you? How much can you take it all? Shit I don't have a cigarette, I need to go and buy them from Richey, the only man in this shitty city who sells you a cigarette even if you are not adult. i went to the kitchen, had a nice breakfast, so typical for Britain. Ham and eggs like our mother can't even cook anything different, my brother told us how good is his school team, how interesting! we are all dying to hear it Chuck! Chuck? really? the name is so stupid that you can't expect anything interesting from the guy named Chuck even if he is your brother. I can't say that I don't like him, of course he is my brother and even if we argue I love him but we are just too different to fit in each other's world. i wish I could change it. I wish we could find the same way.

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I will continue if you liked it :)
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ICONS (TWILIGHT) [Jun. 29th, 2009|01:43 pm]
The girl who believes that Santa exists
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Hey guys!

so like I promised I'm posting
so here are some of my icons, I did have a icons-making-marathon yesterday I went to sleep about 3 am, tried to post them on LJ but it hated me or whatever so here they are

34 icons of Jasper/Alice
please leave a comment

1.                               2.                             3.                              4.


more of Pixie and Soldier Collapse )


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